7 replies [Last post]
Offline
Moderator
Location: Florida,USA
Joined: 08/21/2003
Posts: 1566
Tools Explained
Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. May also have value in quickly removing various fingers and thumbs.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative! I have more of the SOB tools than any of the others.

hunter25's picture
Offline
Grand Slam Challenge Winner!
Location: Colorado western slope
Joined: 11/13/2009
Posts: 3021
I'm glad I took the time to

lol I'm glad I took the time to read this as up until now I had though I was using some of these tools incorrectly due to inexperience. Now with the clarification I realize I am pretty good with them and almost to the professional level.

Thank you for the explanations and claification.

Ca_Vermonster's picture
Offline
Grand Slam Challenge Winner!Moderator
Location: San Diego, CA
Joined: 07/27/2007
Posts: 5731
Love it!  Hadn't seen this

Love it!  Hadn't seen this one before!!

GooseHunter Jr's picture
Offline
Grand Slam Challenge Winner!
Location: Colorado
Joined: 09/28/2005
Posts: 3741
That is a pretty good

That is a pretty good list...I especially liie the last one.

ADKBEAR's picture
Offline
Moderator
Location: Central NY
Joined: 09/16/2003
Posts: 823
Radial Arm Saw

You Forgot;

Radial Arm Saw: A large stationarary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

R

Offline
Moderator
Location: Florida,USA
Joined: 08/21/2003
Posts: 1566
hummmm

ADKBEAR wrote:

You Forgot;

Radial Arm Saw: A large stationarary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. 

RRADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare

neophytes into choosing another line of work. ADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power sRADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare

neophytes into choosing another line of work. aw primarily used by most shops to scare

neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 

Now I am dizzy Wacko

ADKBEAR's picture
Offline
Moderator
Location: Central NY
Joined: 09/16/2003
Posts: 823
Oops

Wow, well said.

A little more attention to detail on my part next time

Offline
Moderator
Location: Florida,USA
Joined: 08/21/2003
Posts: 1566
Should have left it, it was

Should have left it, it was funnier that the joke !!  LOL

I do know what you mean though as I have to go thru my posts several time to get all my little miscues.Big smile

Related Forum Threads You Might Like

ThreadThread StarterRepliesLast Updated
Dangerous Assault ToolsJCalhoun909/21/2007 11:21 am
new to reloadingwcox20051206/12/2004 09:37 am
THE LOVE DRESShalvtaz106/21/2007 00:05 am
Who does there own fletching?redrider2602/18/2007 13:41 pm
reloading shotgun shellsNight Raider208/28/2006 07:35 am