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bitmasher's picture
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Rumor has it that birth control is just the tip of the iceberg in PETA's plans to have deer "self control" their population.

Currently they are working on a new plan code named operation New Light. New Light's primary goal is to introduce religion to deer. This new deer religion is reported to be called: Gaianity.

The core problem with deer is that their society is ordered around rampant promiscuity. Therefore being a good Gaian requires that Ms. Doe Brighteyes and Mr. Buck Bigantlers be wedded in heavenly bliss in order to please the Earth Mother. Furthermore one of the Gaianity's most important tenants is monogamy upon marriage and abstinence before marriage. Partaking in a promiscuous relationship is strictly forbidden by commandment of the Earth Mother! Mr. Bigantlers must not stray and chase single Ms. Longshanks in the heat of the rut! Failure to return home to Mrs. Bigantlers, will assure eternal damnation in a hell so filled with fire and brimstone, even Dante would quiver at its wickedness.

On the other hand, strict adherance to Gaianity's tenants will assure an eternal place in the Holy Forest with the Earth Mother, upon timely death. Please note that the Holy Forest should not be confused with Eden. In Gaianity, Eden is a bad place, where animal flesh was consumed!

The combination of project New Light, birth control, and RU-486 (the French are already gearing up for big time sales) for deer will certainly bring the deer population under "self control". And it is so, because the Earth Mother conceived it.

What can you do as a hunter to stop project New Light? Break up these religous congregations. High level intellegence reports that PETA is also using food plots (well... well... well...) to aggregate unsupecting deer and then convert them to Gaianity. Be careful fellow hunter! Intellegence also believes the food plots are doubling as training grounds for deer-mercs. Mixing religion and militarism seems to be a common theme these days.

Good plan on the whistling thingy's, Chuck. Be forewarned though, recon reports that mule class deer-merc have been outfitted with counter-measures. Ear plugs!

expatriate's picture
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Wow! You can't get deer theology and metaphysics on just ANY website! In light of your posting on gainity, I feel I should retract my fratricide theory. I think you might have it right, Bitmasher, when you say the attack on the PETA vehicle was deliberate. This could reflect fundamentalist gaian sects within the deer population that got wind of PETA's plans to spike their fodder with RU-486. Obviously, such a fundamentalist group would be incensed by the cultural erosion posed by such a threat.

I got to wondering about the deer-mercs, and noticed another odd coincidence between the New Jersey and Minnesota attacks. Do you suppose there's a deer-merc link behind Toricelli's sudden withdrawl from the New Jersey senate race or the mysterious death of Minnesota's Paul Wellstone? Both were pro-choice Democrats.

[ This Message was edited by: expatriate on 2002-10-30 22:53 ]

bitmasher's picture
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Hey man, I'm just reporting what I hear, the guys in Intelligence do all the work...

No, No your fracticide theory holds water. The idea of PETA taking friendly fire from deer-mercs just has a pleasant, make-you-feel-good sound to it. Even if the sect in question was pissed over the spiked fodder.

That is an intriguing set of events with Wellstone and Toricelli, one would would hope the collusion does not go that high up, but given history it certainly is within the realm of possibility...

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There's only one species I know that can achieve sufficient altitude to take down an aircraft in flight -- and that doesn't bode well for the Christmas season.

bitmasher's picture
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Great Scott! Pure abomination! Do you know what this means? Christmas is the least of our worries.

Use of flydium (AKA magic pixy dust) on caribou to create flying reindeer is strictly regulated by international treaty. The regulations clearly state that flydium may only be used at one time of the year for one reason: So the fat man can deliver the goods to the world's tots.

Furthermore, flydium can only be mined and stored in one place in the world: Cuba. Shocked, dismayed? The whole communism/capitalism thing is all for show, the truth is that Cuba has a cartel on the flydium market. The Bay of Pigs invasion was actually an attempt to break the flydium cartel. The USSR's cozyiness with Cuba? They were sick of the fat man and his christmas jollyness, they wanted the fat man out of commission. You may say, well lets stock pile flydium! Only problem is it has a half life of about 3 days. So its anti-gravitational properties are only good for about a week. Anyway, the U.S. has worked out a Food for Flydium program, where we are the ONLY trading partner.

However, the existence of trained attack class flying reindeer suggests the following shocking revelations:

-PETA has flydium!
-PETA has trained flying reindeer mercs!
-Castro is a bastard! (ok, not so shocking)
-PETA is corrupt! (bet you saw that coming)

This is a very, very serious situation. Typical engagement tactics call for light shoulder mounted anti-aircraft rockets (lock and load!). Only problem is the CIA sold all of our excellent Stinger class anti-aircraft missles to the Afgan's fighting the Russians back in the 70's, which the Taliban promptly shot at us during operation Enduring Freedom. But that is another story...

What to do...what to do...I've got it! Hunters everywhere will need to call the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). NORAD has no problem tracking the fat man every year, so they should be able to easily locate and nullify flying factions of reindeer-mercs. Maybe we can all ask them to take out some PETA bunkers while they are at it too...

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Bitmasher, didn't you work the Perot campaign back in '92?

Just as I was a little slow to see the PETA connection, I guess I'm a little suspicious of the relationship between Cuba, the Russians, and the Jolly Elf.

Think about it: he loves red and centralizes control of production and distribution. He doesn't pay his workers. Citizens must apply in writing or through his appointed representatives to obtain their share of North Pole production. Of course, they don't have to do anything to earn the goods except toe the party line -- and the Elf himself decides how well they've done that and how much they'll get. Then he distributes the goods once per year. This is classic communism. Look at the lines to see Santa next month and tell me they don't remind you of lines at shoe stores in the former Soviet Union! And is it just me, or is Fidel Castro looking more and more like Santa? Come to think of it, I've never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time.

Wait a minute...Santa's an elf...ELF...Earth Liberation Front...we've learned recently of connections between ELF and PETA. There's your smoking gun, Bitmasher! This might explain PETA's campaign against milk -- if I had to drink millions of gallons of it in one night I'd want to get rid of it, too.

This is all starting to come together. Note too, that the vehicle in the photos that started all this was red, and the deer was obviously airborne when the collision occurred. I might also point out that Paul Wellstone was replaced by Walter Mondale, who was Jimmy Carter's Vice President -- and guess who was recently spending a lot of time in Cuba?? Check it out:

http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/news/20020515

Now there's a thread! Jimmy Carter wants to normalize relationships with Fidel Castro, who fought off the Bay of Pigs invasion authorized by John F. Kennedy and supported by his brother Robert F. Kennedy, whose daughter Kathleen Kennedy Townsend is currently running for reelection as Lt Governor of Maryland, made recently famous for the sniper shootings, which were investigated by a team headed up by a Moose -- the largest member of the deer family.

I just know that Kevin Bacon is involved in this somehow, but I haven't found the link yet.

[ This Message was edited by: expatriate on 2002-11-02 08:50 ]

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Brilliant, simply Brilliant Expatriate! I must say I was so fixated on a containment plan for the flydium breach, I had not stepped back to look at the larger ramifications. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together nicely but the picture they make is horrific! What we have learned:

-Santa's toy making is simply a cover front for covert ELF activity. Brilliant!

-Castro is Santa. In hindsight, this seems perfectly logical since Castro controlled the flydium cartel, his rise to Jolly Elf was assured.

-PETA funds ELF to obtain flydium.

-PETA uses flydium to lend anti-gravitional powers to reindeer and whitetail, thereby enhancing their already potent deer-merc offensive. The original picture was probably a test flight for the flying whitetail program. Eye-witness accounts of the deer "jumping" off the bridge probably are just due to the "lift off" effect of flydium.

-PETA wishes to place a high ranking offical within the U.S. Senate, to help fight off any senate subcommittee investigation if the deer-merc program should be discovered. Senator Wellstone is approached because he is pro-choice and may be sympathetic to PETA's RU-486 smuggling program.

-Wellstone, upon hearing of the flydium breach is outraged and threatens to go public.

-PETA informs Castro/Santa of Wellstone's objections and threats. Castro/Santa taps his old buddy President Carter, Carter then approaches his buddy Mondale who agrees to the PETA internal defense program. A plan to force Wellstone to resign is hatched and carried out. The plan was just to scare him...but things went horribly wrong...

-Mondale rises to become the democratic challenger. If he wins, PETA and Castro/Santa will have an inside shot to the U.S. Senate.

There are other tangents to we worked out as well. Such as:

-Is Russia still communist?

-Is Russia still friendly with Castro/Santa?

-If so, does this mean that their will be a Russian spy in the U.S. Senate if Mondale wins?

-If your last name is Moose, do people laugh more when you wear antlers? And if your wife wears antlers say as part of Halloween costume is it ok to say "Nice rack Mrs. Moose!"?

-Was Kevin Bacon's spastic dancing in the 80's movie Footloose enhanced by degraded flydium?

-Why has this discussion become so warped?

[ This Message was edited by: bitmasher on 2002-11-03 00:39 ]

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OK, I've got it.

One of Kevin Bacon's more memorable roles was as a Marine Corps attorney prosecuting two Marines stationed at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, in "A Few Good Men."

As for the Russians, they're no longer communist and therein lies the problem. When the Soviet Union collapsed, it was no longer financially able to continue its aid to Cuba. Loss of this financial support drove Castro to enter the illicit flydium trade.

Note the escalation of animal rights activity since the fall of the iron curtain and you'll see my point.

As far as the warped nature of this discussion, Albert Einstein's life ambition was to develop a unified theory that explained everything in the Universe. I think we may have done it here. Sure, people may call us crackpots, but that's what they said about Gallileo and Columbus, too.

cob
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WOW. this is the only place i can think of where you can go from talking about a car hitting a deer to peta to santa to castro and russia and it all be related.

expatriate's picture
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All true, Cob. This deer's death can be directly tied to Reagan's Cold War plan to bankrupt the Soviets through defense spending. Thus, its death is directly related to Reagan's decision to deploy Persing II and Ground Launched Cruise Missile weapons systems in Europe in the 80s.

It's all part of the military industrial complex's master plan, of which people like PETA are mere pawns. The real push behind this is to build justification to spend billions on a national missile defense system. What better method to convince the American public than to expose the threat to our children posed by flying terrorist deer hopped up on Caribbean drugs and driven by an agent of communism?

Happy to entertain, Cob. Happy to entertain...

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