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bitmasher's picture
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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

Just when you thought it was safe in the woods again. Stay alert, stay alive, the deer mercs are everywhere.

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

Very nice
I think all hunting should have an eliment of danger involved Big smile

I would still like to hook up with you bitmasher and hunt those elusive Beasts of Widget Evil!
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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

What a story, that is funny as hell!!! wonder if he was wearing some of them scents that deer like, or apparently, don't like.

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer
tator wrote:
What a story, that is funny as hell!!! wonder if he was wearing some of them scents that deer like, or apparently, don't like.

I did some research into this wild spontaneous attack and it appears that the Unknown Author forgot to include the photograph....

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If ya think thats sumtin how about this

THE ATTACK OF THE TERRIBLE SQUIRREL!

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, uttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact; he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a VTX can only have one result. Torque. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of -- so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me.
They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves... and some Band-Aids

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

Wow...Patrick McManus would be proud.

I'm convinced that squirrels are the spawn of Satan, and this opinion is reinforced every time one decides to spontaneously frolic in the leaves just to make me think there's a deer inbound to my position.

But as for the deer story, a couple things come to mind. First is the advice to never never never never never NEVER confuse doe urine with after shave.

Second is a thought that occurred when I read how he was gored in the thigh and threw his hands "up" to grab the horns. If the horns were near his face or upper body, what gored him in the leg? This reinforces point #1.

Third is the fact that I'm shocked we're this far into the season without more deer merc activity. This year's political campaign should have whipped them into quite a frenzy. However, when you consider the fact that their boss, Santa (aka Fidel Castro in disguise) recently fell after a speech and broke his knee and arm, the deer merc command and control is in pretty bad shape.

Oh, sure, you may laugh...but have you ever noticed how many of the world's bad guys look like mall Santas in the off season? Sure, Kim Jong Il is an exception -- or is he? He's short, wears a green suit, can't grow facial hair...I'm thinking evil mall elf. It's guys like these that hop these deer up on magic pixie dust and turn them loose on a global mission of destruction.

If you think I'm off my nut, just follow bitmasher's link -- it's all there. Watch your backs, and keep your eyes on the sky...

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

Nice pic, QS, the guy looks constipated, but I guess the strain on his face is just the effort of "squeezing" the antlers out of his head. Tough work if you weigh 600 pounds.

Nice to have the in field intel on squirrel mercs, we certainly knew the forces of darkness were capable of twisting the will of furry rodents, but it is still frightening to hear first hand accounts of attack squirrels on the loose. Henceforth, twitching squirrels should be dispatched on sight. Shoot first and ask questions later, or it maybe your nuts in the furballs winter cache, proverbially speaking of course.

I definitely agree that Kim Jong (evil mutant mall elf) is next to succeed the flydium cartel when Fidel kicks the can. The jolly elf's deteriorating physical state and mental disarray has taken a heavy toll on the deer merc program, but as demonstrated by the squirrel report, they are still a potent enemy capable of hatching diabolical plans...

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

You know, we may be seeing the trasfer of power as we speak. The mall Santas are definitely hurting right now; Osama's in hiding, Fidel's in the hospital, and Yasser's in the ground. Sure, Iran still has their Santa, but the appearance of flydium-crazed squirrels suggests there's something more diabolical at work here. Looks like the elf may be tired of playing second banana -- Why does HE get to hand out all the presents? Why does HE get all the cookies? Why does HE get to have all those little boys sit on his lap? As I said before, it IS the Earth LIberation Front, isn't it?

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer
Quote:
there's something more diabolical at work here

Well Well Well .....

I have just finished coming up to date on the subject at hand....
Bit, Expatriate, after the last few months of posting here I have gained immense respect for you both with your insight in such matters. I am sure you are not conspiracy theorist.
This information is priceless in more ways that one.
I now have a better understanding of the suicidal deer situation let alone that business with the squirrel.
I suddenly find myself having greater concern about all these panthers here in the Everglades that are wearing seemingly like radio collars. And now I have found this.......

Where is this all leading? We will be depending you both to keep us informed..................

Forever in my debt ~Jeff~

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

Ohhhh...the horror...the horror! You should put disclaimers on gore like that. Obviously the situation is even worse than I thought. I thought we were up against kamikaze deer, but apparently they've evolved and adjusted their tactics. Jeff, your post indicates they're becoming much more organized and technologically advanced. Obviously my comments about opposable thumbs are no longer accurate as well.

We cannot underestimate the mall Elf behind all this. Think about it -- ever since September 11th, the biggest movies each Christmas season have involved elves and their Middle Earth buddies. In fact, the last movie included a climactic scene where an elf killed an enormous elephant single-handed. That's right -- an elephant -- cherished symbol of the Republican party and by extension our beloved Commander in Chief. And oh, by the way, the elf was from the North and fighting an enemy in the South. The whole movie's North Korean propaganda at its worst. That particular scene screamed out: "I don't need Santa anymore! I can take on my much larger and powerful capitalist foes single-handed!" Not since Hermey de-fanged the Abominable Snowmonster in 1964 have I seen such brazen elf aggression. And we're all keenly aware of the aftermath of Hermey's creative dentistry -- VIETNAM.

That's right -- Vietnamese gunboats fired on US destroyers in August, 1964 --right after Kim Jong Il received his degree from Kim Il Sung University. Almost exactly four months later Hermey's trying to get the workers to unite and conspiring with a deer to disable the dominant power and replace it with a docile version more compliant to Hermey's evil plans for world domination. It's a powerful metaphor way ahead of its time.

Sure, you can scoff, but just compare Hermey's "Why Am I Such a Misfit" song in Rudolf with Kim Jong Il's rendition of "I'm So Ronery" in "Team America." It's uncanny.

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Hunter Loses Wrestling Match With Deer

What's more if you play "Why Am I Such a Misfit", "I'm So Ronery", and portions of the LoTR sound track backwards in slow motion and listen careful, you get the exact same secret message over and over.

"etch ptish ikmish letcha nema poo ud gooa sptul larnic dooler."

Jibberish? Not likely cowboy. That is elfish and loosely translated means:

"Beasts of burden, forests, and fur unite to smite the capitalist pig."

Now the appearance of this message in '64 was completely overlooked by everyone involved ... as .... well .... random nonsense. However, in retrospect, it appears that the deer mercs did not originate in NJ two years ago, rather PETA and ELF were just dabbling with a force that they did not understand (that's why it got out of hand..., fratricide, ru-486, mondale, etc).

For proof of other deer merc programs in history, we have to look no further than Jeff's ghastly picture. Please note the first dark haired victim is wearing nike shoes of a genre popular in the early 80's possibly the late 70's. Furthermore notice the location of the picture, it appears to be terrain similar to the southern-new-mexico/northern-mexico desert region. This area is native to cous whitetail and neither deer pictured is a cous. Given the relative maturity of the deer, the type of deer, the location, and the shoes, this implies that someone was running a deer merc training camp in the 70's on the U.S./Mexican border. Its likely the two victims passed a pot shot at one of the deer mercs and the mercs retaliated overwhelming..... Poor bubbas.

Given this new historical precedence, the collusion between NK, mall elves, hollywood, and Cuba will need to be investigated more deeply possibly all the way back to the rise of stalin. It appears we've stumbled upon a program that spans time and space, where enviro-nuts are just bit players and the real puppet masters are foreign hostile governments.

Perhaps NK smuggled the '02 batch of NJ deer mercs to ELF as a token of solidarity?

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