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Location: Wandering the World, Currently at Ft. Campbell, KY
Joined: 10/05/2006
Posts: 206
Definition of tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar

stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings

your beer across the room.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes

you to say, "Oh shit"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until

you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal

your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If

nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race

out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles

for testing wall integrity.

FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed

your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a

trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit

that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending

any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare

neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything

you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an

accurately machined screwdriver tip on the

end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light,

it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise

found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume

40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be

used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,

as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using

this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted

screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant

200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by

hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were

last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off

their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove

in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of

divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered

to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl

records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and

rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only

while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT"

at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Location: ALABAMA
Joined: 12/06/2005
Posts: 81
Definition of tools

Hey, No one has paid me for the rights to publish my life story!

Joined: 08/27/2004
Posts: 1964
Definition of tools

LONG AS HELL but alright