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Location: Kingston, MI
Joined: 01/16/2007
Posts: 592
Condensed World History

For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines , and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for

Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted
that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. There will undoubtedly be an outburst with plenty of tears and foot stomping with arms crossed.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be sent along to other true
believers and to more liberals just to tick them off....

Chuck-n-Alaska's picture
Location: Southcentral Alaska
Joined: 04/26/2007
Posts: 222
Condensed World History

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Joined: 11/20/2008
Posts: 10
Condensed World History

I wonder who the liberals in this forum are?

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